Zack Morris - Story of My Life

For the first time in 6 years, I finally have faith in my country again. It’s official, the democrats won majorities in both the House and Senate, most governors are democrats, old Rummy resigned, we have Nancy Pelosi as the first female speaker of the House, it’s almost like I woke up in Canada. Phew, now I don’t have to move.

On Tuesday I went to a calling party for MoveOn.Org. They made almost 7 million calls to people in swing states and had a very real impact on this election. That, combined with bald faced naked corruption on the part of the Republicans, gave the people a voice for the first time in, hmm, well I guess my lifetime. I’m not even joking, the last time I remember something going my way in politics was when Clinton got elected!

If I were a jingoist, mentally stunted, amoral windbag like say Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly, I’d be saying “F!@# I hate this F!@#$ BULLSH!@, what the F!@# is wrong with this F!@#ING COUNTRY?!” It should sound familiar, as it’s what my friends and I have been muttering since the turn of the century. Luckily I don’t have to stoop to that level, now I get to say it in a positive way: “F!@# I LOVE THIS SH!@”

I just think of everything Bush has ever done: appoint fascists to the supreme court, endorse torture, discriminate against homosexuals, cut funding for medical and scientific research through religious dogma, inflate the debt trillions of dollars, make up lies to swindle us into invading sovereign nations, spy on american citizens, hang minorities out to dry in New Orleans, diminish us as a beacon of freedom in the eyes of the United Nations and the world, and the most heinous sin of all: replace the Dixie Chicks with Toby Keith. I’m sure I forgot something. But we are past all that now, because Bush gets to do what presidents are supposed to do: approve laws instead of write laws.

And by approve, I mean dissaprove. Bush has vetoed just one bill since taking office. He’s probably the most vacationist president in history. In short, he hasn’t really done anything. Luckily Cheney is there to do all the actual work. Normally there is a string running from the vice president’s hand to Bush’s hand, helping it to write the complex signing statements that magnify the audacity of blatantly unconstitutional prose regurgitated from a normally right wing congress.

But now that congress is made up of raving left wing lunatics pressing for such atrocities as universal health care and higher wages, Bush might actually have to read what he is signing. I wonder if in the last two years, he could set a record as the most vetoing-est president in history.

I would dearly love in the next two years to see the damned PATRIOT Act repealed, the Department of Homeland Security dissolved, the torture bill canceled, the war in Iraq undone with time travel, and Bush impeached. Short of that, I would settle for an end to the war on drugs, a cure for AIDS, and a colony on mars. But in the end, we may be stuck with deadlock.

Then again, some part of me still wonders if the country is set to swing back hard the other direction. The early 90s were a walk in the park compared to this. Bush Sr. was practically a liberal compared to Jr. But the late 90s were the best years of my life. This election could kick start a late 2000’s that doesn’t suck.

So maybe we can have a “space race” for alternative energy. Maybe we’ll get some privacy laws for the internet age. Maybe we can get copyright and patent reform so the corporations can’t sue everyone into oblivion. All I know is, whatever happens now HAS to be better than arguing about F!@#ing gay marriage, flag burning and abortion. Maybe America is ready for real change, that helps real people with real problems.

And of course, Buck Fush